What's up?

It's been 5 years since my last post! Gosh! How time flies! And I realised that I didn't finish telling about the forum I attended. Ah well (shrug) too late now 😅 I don't have a clue on how I want to finish that 😅 The thing on top of my mind now is the Olympics. Coincidently, my last post was also in an Olympic year. I hope my next post will be a lot sooner than the next Olympics 😆 Yeah yeah, five years in between Olympics... the whole world knows why, so I don't have to repeat it here. This year, my little Yan (my 3rd child) is not so little anymore. She'll be sweet sixteen in December 😍 I just mentioned to hubby that Yan is watching Olympics eagerly this year. She browses through the 13 Olympic channels on TV whenever she is free. Other than catching a sport where our countrymen are in action, she also watches volleyball, archery, sailing, qymnastics, etc. She has never been the sporting type, so I was quite surprised she is showing interests in the big O 😅 In fact, I am glad that she is because it shows that my baby is growing up and starting to pay attention to some 'adult' stuff. 🤩 On another matter, actually a big matter in this family, my eldest son, Heng, spent the years in between the last and the current Olympics living in a neighbouring country. He got a scholarship to finish the last 4 years of his secondary school there. He came home in December 2020 after his preU. The first few weeks while waiting for his results were carefree and filled with online gaming late into the night. His main 'responsibility' was to get his driving license, which he did, and he has been driving quite well since getting past his dad's driving 'lessons'. The few weeks after getting his results, however, was not so carefree although still filled with online gaming late into the night, sometimes until dawn 😒 The reason being it was time to choose what and where to continue his studies. After much discussion (frank and speaking adult-to-adult, not a kid anymore) with both hubby and I (together as well as separately), he finally decided to pursue actuarial science locally. Fitting, I think, as he has always been on top of his game when it come to maths. He had to gave up his spot in uni there but we think it is for the best because travelling across borders is not as hassle-free and seamless as before Covid. Like Heng, Jien just transitioned from from school to college, too. He was supposed to sit for his end of secondary school exam in November 2020. However, the exam was delayed 4 months due to the Covid situation in the country. Jien was not concerned at all about the delay. In Henry's carefree weeks, Jien was just as carefree and dedicated to his online games eventhough he had a major exam to face 😒 Grudgingly, he sat down to work 2 weeks before the exam as well as the 3 weeks of the exam but still found time (too much, in my opinion) for his online games 😖 Jien didn't have as hard a time as Heng in choosing the course and the venue for his studies. He was quite certain on what he wanted to study and was a willing participant in our visits to various colleges and universities. He has since started his foundation course aiming for a computer science degree 👍🏻 My youngest child, Li, is in year 5 of primary school. She had only physically attended school for 2 months this year 😓 Although classes have not stopped and merely been moved online, I don't like the fact that she's sitting in the house all day when she should be having fun her friends in school. There's a lot of things I don't like about the situation Covid has put us in. All I can do is be patient and stay positive. I'm glad I have a soulmate beside me through the thick and thin of life. Today is our 21st wedding anniversary 💕 Happy anniversary, darling! 🥰💖

Forum 3/7: Discipline Without Damaging

I think this topic gave parents the impression that children were very fragile creatures. A slight mistake may cause permanent psychological damage to the child. I don't think it's true. I think the organizers used the word 'damaging' because it sounded good with the word 'discipline', which was the focus of this second topic. 

Points on this topic included:-

- punishment is only a short term solution. 

- punishment is necessarily a consequence of breaking a rule. Here, the speaker elaborated by giving an example of a driver breaking a speed limit and receiving a fine as a punishment. 

- punishment is usually an act of desperation. Therefore, parents need to manage their emotions (the speaker who made this comment termed this as 'being self-aware') so as not to lash out on a child. The speaker cited that self-care was important for a parent. By this, I think she meant 'taking care of the caregiver'. I have written about this in my post dated 16 January 2008. 

- know what how you want your child to end up as, work backwards to determine the kind of action required now. (This point reminded me of one of the 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People', Begin With The End In Mind.)

- how best to discipline:-

= observe

= reward when the rules are being followed (this sound like bribing to me)

= when parents set the rules, parents must follow them too

= set rules at the beginning, before any misbehavior happen, not after the misbehavior started

= when privileges are taken away, children must know why and how it can be prevented

= limit misbehavior by being creative and redirecting the culprits' energy

Forum 2/7: Are You Listening To Your Children?

The first topic was essentially about how to listen. The moderator asked the three speakers questions relating to the topic and let them comment. From their comments, the moderator would summarize the 'take away' points. 

My take away points for this topic was:-

- it is important to connect with your children. Be patient to understand that the child is saying. At the same time, we must watch what we say so as to be encouraging. 

- be at eye level with the child when communicating. 

- be attentive by giving them your full attention i.e. put away our smartphones/ tablet while talking to them.

- start small; five minutes at first, then increase (I think this is to build up a habit. Starting small will not be overwhelming for the child and the parent. The child may suspect something if the parent suddenly show much interest!)

- let them talk, don't censor i.e. don't talk  only about the good things. 

- there should be awareness (I'm not sure whether this referred to awareness of the need to communicate with your children or awareness/sensitive to the things that your children talk about. But I guess, both is equally important.)

- (always a factor in any talk of parenting) persistence. 

The moderator asked a question: how can fathers play a role? In hindsight, this question sounded sexist to me. It presumed that 'the parent' so far in our discussion was the mother 😏. However, to one of the speaker's credit, she talked instead of how both parents should be on the same page i.e. the view of how to parent, the rules set for the children, their positions in certain aspects/situations in parenting. This was so that the children would not play one parent against the other. 

I had questions regarding this topic I wanted to ask the speakers but didn't manage to:-

-what if the child is the quiet type and don't talk/open up in our attempt to communicate?

- what is one child is more outspoken than the others and hog the conversation/communication?

I could guess the answers but I had hoped the speakers' answers may contain something I hadn't known. Luckily, before the day was through, I managed to ask some questions. In fact, I think I was the most outspoken! I will devote one post to questions I asked and answers that I got from the 'experts'. Tune in!

Forum (1/7): An Introduction

The forum I mentioned in the previous post was titled 'Beautiful Mind, Beautiful Child'. It was free and organized by the Master of Child Psychology students of a private university. The venue was the university's KL campus.

There were three speakers; two registered and licensed counselors and a foreign lecturer at the said university. 

The topics discussed was:

- Are you listening to your children?

- Discipline without damaging

- Digital parenting 

It was the third topic that got me interested in the first place. I will share what I gathered from this forum in subsequent posts.

During the half and hour break, participants took the opportunity to speak to the many child psychologists in the room (aka free consultation! Haha!) There were many of them alright, this was organized by psychology students after all! Besides the students, there were their lecturer and the three speakers who were experts of the subject.

After the break, an organization called the Breakthru Academy talked about kinesiology. This subject was totally new to me, so I was able to take away a lot from this session.

All in all, for the stuff that I already knew, this forum refreshed my memory of them and reinforced the message that persistence was necessary. I knew that I was losing steam in the persistence department. So, it was time for me to buck up. As for the stuff I didn't already know, it was an eye-opener. 

Even if I didn't learn anything, it wasn't a complete waste of time because at least I got a few hours off from home!

I would like to end this post with an interesting observation although I stand to be corrected if I am wrong. All the psychologists in the room appeared to me to be childless, except for the foreign lecturer who had a daughter in her, I guessed, tween. Are experts without experience still considered experts? Experts of theory?

I suppose a third party who is not emotionally involved is more objective in dealing with the problems of the families who consult them. After all, there is a Chinese saying: 旁观者清. A dictionary defines these 4 little words as : the person on the spot is baffled, the onlooker sees clear (idiom); the spectator sees more of the game. Apt in describing these 'theoretical experts', don't you think?

Navigating: Sometimes Even Navigation Is Best To DIY

W423 (a popular navigation app) couldn't get me there and it couldn't get me home. I had been reluctant to install this app into my phone but since I had been totally unfamiliar with the forum venue, I had let Hubby install it last night. However, it didn't help... at all!

The offending line was 'No GPS. Showing Approximate Location'. The blue dot jumped around. Whenever it settled into the right position, it didn't move as I move. The app didn't show my progress along the highlighted route. There was no audio giving directions. The   estimated time to destination did not reduce as I travel. Heck, it was like I was not moving at all! 😟

Luckily, I had studied the route on G00613 M49 and G00613 E4?78 last night, so I was able to make my way there without difficulty. 

In the end, it was the navigation 'app' in my brain that got me there (with G00613's help) and got me home (albeit having to go through some traffic jams) without undue delay.

Moral of the day: have the resources yourself so that you don't have to rely too much on external sources. 

PS: I will share what happened at and why I went to 'the forum venue' in a later post. Stay tuned!

Tiramisu: The Preferred Cake For Today's Birthday

A whole cake or just a slice? That was the question asked of the birthday boy. A whole cake was what he wanted; but we can't finish it, came my protest. We can eat it tomorrow, he replied with a hopeful grin. In the end, Hubby opted for two slices: one for the birthday boy, one for himself and me (he knew how I liked tiramisu, and the tiramisu of this place was one of a kind...yum yum 😋).

It is Heng's birthday today. Nothing fancy, just dinner at the place of his choice. Hubby and I prefer not to over indulge our kids on anything, even birthdays. It's his fifteenth. I remember my fifteenth as the last one celebrated without Hubby wishing me 'Happy Birthday'.

We met each other about a month before his sweet sixteen. By the time, my sweet sixteen came around, he had cared for me enough to call me before midnight on the eve, talked until midnight and wished me 'Happy Birthday' when the clock struck twelve. Although I hadn't fallen in love with him at that time, I suspected now that he already had feelings for me. I honestly feel that I'm truly blessed at finding my soulmate so early in life and sharing our lives since leaving childhood.

Well, enough about me. Hubby and I shared a steak, Jien and Yan had a spaghetti each, while Li had garlic bread with mushroom soup. The kids all had western stomach 😁.

On the way home, I asked Heng to count 5 good things in his life.

No. 1: UNIS;

No. 2: His UPSR results, crediting Ms O and Teacher E for his success;

No. 3: Living in XXX, it's a good thing because it's not noisy, relatively safe to cycle and near to a clubhouse;

No. 4: Reasonably good eyesight (power around 150) despite all the books he had read (I'm thankful that he is a verocious reader who 'devour' his book); and

No. 5: he's still thinking about this. [Update: Later he counted frequent eating out as a good thing. So you think my cooking is no good? I teased. Not all the time, he admitted, your western cooking like spaghetti and chicken chop is good but not the Chinese style cooking. That's cos you like western food, I countered a little defensively. I was actually glad that he was brave enough to speak his mind 👍🏼]

He had answered UNIS without hesitation. This showed how much of an impact it had on him. While I'm glad he had such and unforgettable experience, I hope it will not present too high a standard for him to compare other areas of his life to.

All said, I'm proud of Heng. Happy birthday, my boy 😘

Promise II: The Fulfillment of a Promise

I was finally able to make rice with meat and vege for Li to bring to school as snack. On the weekend of the National Day, I made schnitzel using pork slices. As it involved quite a lot of work, I made extra and refrigerate them. My kids loved them but Hubby didn't. I had to go out with him for dinner because he didn't want to eat the deep fried pork slices. 

On the first day of school after that, Li  said she wanted rice with schnitzel and rice. Perfect timing, I thought. I could prepare it quickly because I had leftover rice in the fridge from the previous day. So, I reheated the rice in the steamer, the schnitzel in the oven. Although I had to chop the garlic and stirfried the 'choy sum', it was quickly accomplished as I had extra washed leaves of the vege from a weekend homecooked meal.

I filled Li's usual food container with the food and a spoon and placed the container in a plastic bag in case it leaked vege sauce or got accidentally uncovered. I explained to Li about the need for the plastic bag and for keeping the container level in her bag. She understood followed my instruction very well. Good girl!

Did she finish the food? Only half of it. I consider it a success because there was no messy accident and she seemed satisfied with the whole thing.