Silvery's Word

First - A day of firsts for a little girl and Mommy

2008-03-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

What a day this has been!

For the little girl, this is her first day at school! To a parent, this is an exciting day. To a little girl of 2 years and a quarter, this is a frightening day indeed. From her point of view, she's been taken away from her mother, for no reason, and left with a bunch of strange adults and kids!

Some kids may be too happy to play with other kids but Yan is different. She cried and howled until she had to be carried away by a teacher kicking and and screaming. I left immediately as I didn't want to set any precedent that Mommy could stay during school hours. For the whole session, she hung on to the teacher for her dear life. Poor thing, I wondered how long it would take for her to say goodbye to me with a smile.

For Mommy, she got involved in her first car accident! Nothing major, just a broken non-consequential side lamp for me and a broken rear brake light and a dent in the bumper for the other party. Hubby's first question was whether the kids were okay. Good man!

It was a bit scary because I was alone with 3 small kids and I knew it was my fault. It didn't help that the other party was a rather hostile couple. In my opinion, they were over-hostile considering the "severity" of the damage. Luckily, hubby was just a phonecall away. He provided the courage I needed to stand my ground.

Lesson learned: don't expect sympathy from people just because you're a "helpless" woman with small children. They may view it as your weakness and take advantage of you.

Antenna or dish? Hubby has installed ...

2008-03-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

By dish, I mean the Astro dish. A house without Astro is like ... a person who eats nasi lemak without the sambal? My house is such a house and I'm such a person but we'll leave the food for another post. Today's word is ... antenna.

Yes, hubby got the tv antenna installed today to get clear reception ahead of tomorrow's first race of the Formula One season but we'll leave racecars out of today's post. The poor guy followed last season's races through poor tv reception and delayed results via internet/newspapers. I think that was a big sacrifice considering all the drama and unprecedented excitement last season. (btw, I'm glad Kimi won. He's much more good looking than Lewis and Fernando :)

He wanted Astro "for the kids" but I put my foot down and said no. The kids are already watching way too much tv. With tv and dvd, there's a limit to watching time. Enforcement is much harder with round-the-clock Disney channel. Don't get me started on the violence in some cartoons nowadays. Parental lock? Me think: why invite a tiger into your house, then think of ways to control the tiger? Might as well don't invite the tiger, then no headaches!

Dizigui 1 & 2

2008-03-15T02:08:00.000-07:00

Since CNY, my whole family has attended the dizigui classes twice. Heng and Jien are in separate classes with kids their ages. Hubby, Yan and I are in the parents' class. The reason for parents' class is so that parents know how to live the dizigui principles and become examples for the kids to follow. Consistency in parents' actions and what they tell the kids to do is very important, hence the Malay proverb : Do not be as the father crab teaches the son walk straight ahead :)

These first two classes has not gone into details of the principles. They were more introductory in nature, letting parents know the history and importance of dizigui in shaping a person, hence a society, of value and character. The speaker in our class was the vice principal of a Chinese primary school. She spoke of examples of kids gone astray due to lack of proper guidance. There were also examples of how a parent's conduct and emphasis of matter would impart values upon a child. Whether the values are good or bad depend on the conduct and what matter is emphasized as perceived by the child. The conduct may be something trivial in an adult's view point but the effect on the child may have far reaching consequences. Exaggerated? Consider this :-

A mother dresses up her young daugther like a doll: different hairstyle everyday, fancy clothes, mini skirts, high heels, make up, accesories etc. Mother may think that it's a girl's perogative to look beautiful or afraid that she'll grow up a tomboy. Such emphasis on looks is akin to telling the child to concentrate her efforts on her appearance instead of her education. What is more important?
A mother is obsessed with her own body weight and figure. Is it any wonder if her daughter is bulimic or anorexic?
A parent who reads to and visits the library with her children emphasis the importance of knowledge and education. The children can't help but fall in love with books.

Don't underestimate a comment ("I look fat in this dress!") or an action (putting your arm out of a moving car to feel the wind). Our children are always watching...

Cameron - A trip to the highlands

2008-03-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

We just got home from a two-night trip Cameron Highlands. This was a maiden trip for hubby and the kids to Cameron. As for me, it brought back a lot of memories as Cameron was a favourite getaway for my extended family.

Hubby's lasting impression on Cameron was COLD. The rain on the first night spoiled hubby's plans. We couldn't leave the apartment and it was so cold that hubby was afraid that the kids would catch cold. The boys couldn't sleep soundly because of the cold. I couldn't sleep soundly because the boys woke me up. Due to lack of sleep the whole brood was cranky the next afternoon. No prizes for guessing why we refrained from taking an overseas holiday.

It was not all gloom, however. The boys plucked strawberries and got spiderman key chains. The kids also had a great time admiring the chickens, tho' I don't think the chickens had a great time being "admired". "Harassed" would be more apt to describe the chickens' experience.

We went to the tea plantation and enjoyed the fresh air and beautiful view from the platform. We also manage to locate the Chinese temple before we left the mountains. I would've liked to enjoy a walk at the Brinchang night market but hauling the small kids into a drizzling night was not any parent's idea of fun.

Hubby enjoyed his scones and fried rice at T'cafe. The buffet at the hotel had a big enough spread to cater for the varied taste buds in my family. The sweet and juicy corns were a treat. The strawberries were a bit sour but delicious if added into ice cream. Yum!

Most enjoyable for me was the drive to Tanah Rata in the early evening with the boys sleeping in the back. Despite Yan's weight as she slept in my arms, I enjoyed the "privacy" I had with hubby as we chatted. I think he enjoyed the drive too even though the road was winding.

I don't think hubby would be keen to choose Cameron in near future. Too cold for his comfort. "Not that bad-lah. It was only because of the rain," I said, trying to change his mind because I hoped next time we'd stay at the bungalow with the beautiful view. Why? 'Cos I'm sure my kids will enjoy their stay there as much as I had enjoyed mine years ago.

New Job: Time off from the kids

2008-02-23T22:53:00.000-08:00

I started my new job today! If I were 10 years younger, I would've a million butterflies in my stomach. But after going through 3 childbirths, the first-day-on-the-job-butterflies don't affect me anymore :)

Only half a day perweek is required so, I asked my boss to let me work on Saturday mornings so that hubby can look after the kids. I really appreciate hubby for offering to do that.

I have an ex-colleague to thank for recommending me to the job :) Although the job is straight forward bookkeeping, I relish the chance to apply my debits and credits. Now, I can take my accounting training out of cold storage. LOL.

The time away from the kids is good for everyone:-

the kids - stick less to me, hence encourage independence;
hubby - bonding with the kids unaffected by me. Besides, he'll learn not to take my handling the kids for granted (hehe!);
me - to recharge my patience meter after being drained by the kids; peace and quiet for the mind; knowledge not wasted; a little bit of pocket money for myself :)

Last but not least, this job sure beat the translation job I had last December. Easier, less time and more money. Hehe!

Handkerchief: A trivial matter ... not.

2008-01-21T23:11:00.001-08:00

My son was sniffling as I drove him to school early this morning.

"Get a hanky from my bag," I told him.
"Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"
"Cos I have 3 babies." I answered matter-of-factly.

I regretted my answer the moment it left my lips.

"Why?" you asked. It's a fact that I have 3 kids. Was my answer wrong?

True, 3 kids need more wiping than 1. False, 3 hankies not because I've 3 kids, it's just the max I can stuff into my bag. My answer is not wrong but I think my perception is.

"What has perception got to do with how many hankies one has in the bag?" you asked again.

Nothing. But perception has got plenty to do with the kind of answers we have for our kids' questions, even a simple/trivial question like "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"

In a previous post, I mentioned that I attended a series of talks on Confucious teachings, Dizigui (Standards for Being a Good Student and Child). In one of them, the speaker talked about why kids had bad tempers, bad manners, lazy and selfish. I'll only elaborate on the first case cos of its relevance in this post.

The speaker said that nowadays, parents 'serve' their kids too much. We are like servants to our kids. We cater to their wimps and fancies. Don't believe me? For instance, do we :-

give our kids food first during mealtimes together or do they give us first?
buy them Happy Meals cos they want the toys?
have everything in order that they don't have to lift a finger around the house?
have the aircon throughout the night while they sleep?

Most parents would answer yes to most of these questions. In other words, we treat them like kings and queens. As a result of the excellent service they've been getting, they have not learn to accept anything less. Drop in service quality can be quickly fixed by a tantrum aka bad temper.

I think this all boils down to our perception of our children. Having less children has become a trend. Two has become a norm. 3 is many. 4 and people's eyes get as big as saucers. Having less children means that each child gets more attention; more money spent on him/her; more of our hopes on his/her tiny shoulders. Each child is perceived as more "valuable" cos one child is 50% of your brood if you have two children, while one is only 10% of your brood if you have ten. Get what I mean?

Coming back to my "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?" question. I gave my child an answer. The impression that my son got was, "We are the reason." That makes him think that they're the center of my universe, my kings and queen for whom I serve. Nobody would want their children to think that but that is exactly the message we convey when we say :-

Mommy/Daddy comes back early from work cos it's your birthday today.
What do you want to eat today?
Your bag is heavy, let mommy/daddy carry it for you.
You're Mommy/Daddy's best little boy/girl.

By giving our children as reasons for the things we do, we inadvertantly make them our kings and queens. They ARE the reasons but we don't have to... or rather, we cannot tell them that. Instead we should say:-

Mommy/Daddy worked fast today and finished early. Now that I'm back, let's celebrate your birthday.
Will you help mommy/daddy prepare the food/choose the dishes today?
We have to find ways to lighten your bag so that you can carry it.
I love you. (and plenty of hugs and kisses)

I'm not a saint, I'm guilty of giving out the wrong messages too. I also think that it's not too late to change. Most importantly we must assure our kids that our love is unconditional, ie "just cos mommy/daddy doesn't buy you Happy Meals doesn't mean that mommy/daddy doesn't love you".

Care : A give and take situation

2008-01-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

I first came across the term "caregiver" in a parenting course. In that context, a caregiver was a person who take care of children. This person may be a parent or a babysitter.

The mantra was "Take care of the caregiver". It was foreign to me at first since I had always put my children's welfare before mine. As a result of this, I had endured much discomfort in my term as a stay-at-home mom.

An extreme that comes to mind is what happened a month after my little girl was born. Hubby was working late and weekends due to closing of the financial year end. During dinner, I fed 4 mouths at the same time! I ensured that my boys (4+ and 2+) eat enough by feeding them myself. In between spoonfuls into their mouths were spoonfuls into my own. The fourth mouth was hanging on to my breast! Those 10 days were terrible (but worth it in the end as hubby's hardwork earned him a recognition award in the form of a trip to The Andaman, Langkawi).

Before the parenting course, I was constantly stressed as the relentless demand of 3 small children took its toll on me. As a result, I didn't think I was giving my children the best I could give. "Take care of the caregiver" really gave me the perspective I needed. What I thought was selfish turned out to be beneficial them. Previously, I made sure they had their meal before I start mine (I usually ended up devouring their leftovers). Now I eat when I'm hungry before I turn my attention to them. After all, I can't take care of them very well if I'm constantly suffering from gastric pain.

I don't feel guilty anymore. Frequent flyers would most likely be familiar with one of the emergency procedures on an airplane: Put the breathing masks on ourselves first before attending to those under our care. It makes perfect sense. If the caregiver is not in good health, how can he/she continue to give care to others?

The most important way for me in taking care of myself is de-stressing. Nowadays, I de-stress in the shower (this will have to do if one can't afford a luxury spa treatment everyday!), running, gardening, ironing (as long as the kids stay away from me. Hehe!) and of course, blogging!

Lightspeed: the sequel.

2008-01-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. A lot has changed for me since Boxing Day. For good or bad... I don't know but I prefer to look at the bright side.

Before I continue, I'd like to thank Jo-N and Suzette for visiting despite my lack of posts in the weeks before Xmas. [A deep bow and thank you for both of you]

Changes:-

Translation - I've stopped. Hubby didn't approve of my staying up late to catch up on the work to meet the deadlines. The work is not as leisurely as I thought. I managed to do a few shows in December cos it was the holidays. They offered me the position of Editor. Hubby and I even travelled to the other side of town (and got lost along the way!) to meet the owner of the company. Although I can work out of home, the offer was not very attractive financially compared to my opportunity costs. Now that my eldest has started Primary One, the opportunity costs are too high, I don't want to afford it.
New year - Hubby and I are very practical minded people (probably that's why we're accountants by training!). To him, it's just another date on the calendar. For people dealing the financial side of companies, it most likely signifies closure of the old financial year aka more work. Not much fun, that. Also with 3 small kids in tow, we can't join in the countdowns anywhere except in our living room in front of the TV. Not much fun, too.
First day of school - This means more to my family than the first day of the year. Reason: my work starts. With Heng in the morning session of school, I have to wake up at 5.30am! (This is also why translation doesn't fit in as I usually worked on that until 2 am.) It is a full day with breaks in late morning (when the boys are in school) and afternoon (when all 3 kids take their naps). Bedtime is around 10pm if I were to have enough shut eye before the alarm rings. It's a full time job.
New phone - I'm really grateful to my hubby for this one. My Nokia "Butterfly" is close to 5 years old. Casing was damaged but since I'm used to it and all my contacts inside, I don't see the point of keeping up with the trend. It was functioning until some hiccups lately. So, hubby took the chance to upgrade it to a Nokia 6300. I fell in love with it at first sight. It was what hubby had in mind as well though he didn't tell me at the time. It's sleek and fits nicely into my palm. Kids love the new games, too.

When things settle down, I'll have for time for blogging :)

Lightspeed: That's how time flies

2007-12-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

Time flies, people say. It's never been truer for me in these past 3 weeks. Here's why:-

I signed up for a freelance job translating subtitles for tv shows. Money, got some but most importantly, I think, is that I enjoy it. I'm pretty good at it, too. But don't know how long I can keep this up cos quite time-consuming and deadlines quite tight.
I started attending a talk in a buddhist association. It's sorta like an intro to the teachings of Confucious, nothing religious about it. It's Confucian teachings on what constitute good behaviours. It's been quite an eye-opener, though I'm not totally unfamiliar with the content. I'll write about them in my coming posts.
Shopping! Not xmas shopping. Shopping for clothes: cny clothes (children's only, not enough time to shop for self and hubby) and school supplies (for my eldest, who's starting Primary one next year). Not really enjoyable with 3 boisterous kids in tow. Hubby and I took turns as body guard in the toy dept while the other browsed through the piles and racks of clothes. Would really love to park them somewhere but can't as we were shopping for them. Maybe when we shop for ourselves, we'll park them...somewhere.

Since the translation job started, it took up quite a lot of my computer time. The result is that blogging has been demoted (temporarily, I hope) in my priority list. CAOF, remember? Children, husband, translation (since this one got income), housework (this is not important but urgent) and then blogging (since this is not income-generating, yet, and it is not urgent). Me is lost somewhere between husband and translation.

I'm lucky it's still school holidays and I can squeeze in one post in this ungodly hour (hubby will turn hostile if he finds out). Once the school year starts and my eldest gotta wake up early, I have to turn in early to get enough rest. Or my time will fly in a hospital :)

Maybe situation is not that bad. After all, I have the option of sending my little girl to kindy. So heartless of mommy to send baby away at the tender age of 2. Well, heartless mommy better than mommy-less baby. Mommy's gotta keep her sanity, y'know. Got a feeling daddy will ban mommy from translating if mommy can't cope. Sigh... you can't win them all. In the meantime there's CAOF to keep me sane.

Battle of wills: Time to show them who's the boss.

2007-12-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

['Taking care of the caregiver' has been held back in view of yesterday's battle.]

Trouble started when Jien (Mommy's no.2) refused to pick up his toys citing 'I don't know how'.

'Yes, you know how,' Mommy tried to give him some confidence. 'You've done it before.'

He wailed, 'I don't know how. It takes too long. I want my nen nen (his milk in a bottle)!'

'You'll get your nen nen after you pick up the mess you made.' There! She'd said it and she knew she had to stick to her guns if she wanted to remain the Boss. When he refused again, Mommy set it out step by step, 'You take this toy bin downstairs. Put the toys back in. Pick up the ABCs (large styrofoam tiles). Then, you'll get your nen nen.'

'No, I don't want to pick up. Why kor kor can have his nen nen?'

'That's because kor kor picked up the mess he made.'

Mommy braced herself for his assault which can be noisy. True enough, he cried and wailed, 'I want nen nen' until her ears were ringing. She ignored him until his wails died down (imagine a CD player ran out of batteries) after what seemed like eternity. He had fallen asleep! Right there sitting on the sofa! At last peace and quiet! But she was determined not to give in and left the mess as it was.

Alas, after an hour the heavens opened and eternity started again! He picked up from where he left off immediately after he came to! Someone must've replaced the batteries! Mommy repeated her rule again and the cries got louder. The onslaught was renewed. Her mind was racing, trying to come up with a solution where she didn't appear to have given in.

Then, Mommy got the bin from upstairs (1 point for Jien) and put it in front of him. She held his hand to grasp a toy but his finger wouldn't close. So, she wrapped his fingers around the plastic and dropped it in the bin. She repeated this for a number a times before his fingers grasped the toys themselves (1 point for Mommy). So, she moved his hand, he grasped, she moved hand to bin and he let go. That was how they filled up the bin.

The ABCs were a bit tricky. They were scattered and some of letters fell out of their tiles. Sigh... Mommy gathered them together (1 point for Jien) and did the same like before. She moved his hand, he grasped, she put it in a stack and he let go. She even held his hand to fit the letters back into the tiles. She felt like Remy in Ratatoille. Only, Linguini was meekly quiet and not protesting. Mommy's little CD player didn't subside one bit! (New batteries, remember?) 'I don't know how! I want nen nen now! This is taking too long! I don't want to pick up!...'

Finally, no mess and the CD player stopped. Just in time, too. Mommy didn't know how much longer her eardrums could stand the assault. She kept her word and gave him his nen nen.

Battle ended with both parties suffered heavy losses. Thank goodness conditions were favourable for Mommy or else she would have lost her will and gave in. What conditions? Kor kor and mei mei didn't attack Mommy with demands of their own! But victory was not certain until we arrive at the next potential battle scene... which presented itself before bedtime.

The battle scene was recreated by the same culprit as Mommy went about her evening routine. To her relief and pride, the mess was promptly picked up and stored away before 'I want nen nen.' Yay!!! Victory for Mommy!

CAOF - A time management strategy for an over-stretched mom

2007-12-06T02:29:00.000-08:00

"How you manage-ah, without a maid?"

This is a frequent question I get when people discover I take care of 3 kids (aged 2, 4 and 6) and a house without the help of a maid.

I smile and say, "CAOF : Take care of those that can cry first."

If you're wondering, CAOF is Cry-Able Ones First. Kids can cry, so take care of them first. Dirty dishes and laundry don't cry, overgrown grass don't cry, crumpled clothes don't cry... you get the idea. These will be done after the kids are settled and when I have time for them. (The longest I've left dirty dishes was until the next morning. I had to wake up early to wash them.)

Once my hubby asked me why the living room was in a mess. "The kids-lah, who else made the mess." "Why didn't you clean in up?" My answer was, "I can cry, too, you know." It had been a particularly long day.

Yes, I am also one that can cry. So, I rate my sanity above housework. Wouldn't you? Take care of the caregiver so that she's able to give care to others :) I'll tell you more about this in my next post.

"Why torture yourself?" you ask. " Get a maid." Well, I'm proud to say that I'm "maid-less" by choice. A few reasons: save $$$; privacy in my own home (ie no need to worry about leaving valuables carelessly about); I don't want to feel helpless when maid leave; and most of all, hubby and I are not entirely comfortable with the idea of a stranger's influence on the kids. They do drive me to hell and back but I love them and they'll only be young once.

As for my personal time, 2 am in morning, when my little girl takes her nap (like now), ... that's it. Sometimes my little girl participates in my bath, be an audience when I use the toilet (I'm not kidding). So, this blog is sorta like an escape for me, when I can entirely be away from them... well, not entirely, since I'll write about them, hehe!

Creation

2007-12-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's done! My very own blog! I'm very excited about this. So excited that I don't know what to tell you first!

Let's start with a bit of what's my "word". My word today is "Creation". I think it's apt considering my blog is created today. I knew that people write blogs but I had never consider starting one myself. Not until I discovered that a friend had a blog. When I asked her about it, she sounded modest about the whole thing. Next thing I discovered, she has three! First question in my mind was, "How does she find time to write so much?" (I think Time is a good word for my next post, don't you think?)

So, I decided that if she can do it, so can I! Thank you, Suzette, for being such an inspiration. :) You can visit her at thesuzette.com

Incidently, today is my little girl's second birthday. Happy birthday, darling! Now my little blog shares her birthday. :) Just like watching my little girl grow day by day, I'm looking forward to watching my little blog grow and sharing with all the people who'll come to visit.

Cheers!