Dizigui 1 & 2

Since CNY, my whole family has attended the dizigui classes twice. Heng and Jien are in separate classes with kids their ages. Hubby, Yan and I are in the parents' class. The reason for parents' class is so that parents know how to live the dizigui principles and become examples for the kids to follow. Consistency in parents' actions and what they tell the kids to do is very important, hence the Malay proverb : Do not be as the father crab teaches the son walk straight ahead :)

These first two classes has not gone into details of the principles. They were more introductory in nature, letting parents know the history and importance of dizigui in shaping a person, hence a society, of value and character. The speaker in our class was the vice principal of a Chinese primary school. She spoke of examples of kids gone astray due to lack of proper guidance. There were also examples of how a parent's conduct and emphasis of matter would impart values upon a child. Whether the values are good or bad depend on the conduct and what matter is emphasized as perceived by the child. The conduct may be something trivial in an adult's view point but the effect on the child may have far reaching consequences. Exaggerated? Consider this :-

• A mother dresses up her young daugther like a doll: different hairstyle everyday, fancy clothes, mini skirts, high heels, make up, accesories etc. Mother may think that it's a girl's perogative to look beautiful or afraid that she'll grow up a tomboy. Such emphasis on looks is akin to telling the child to concentrate her efforts on her appearance instead of her education. What is more important?
• A mother is obsessed with her own body weight and figure. Is it any wonder if her daughter is bulimic or anorexic?
• A parent who reads to and visits the library with her children emphasis the importance of knowledge and education. The children can't help but fall in love with books.

Don't underestimate a comment ("I look fat in this dress!") or an action (putting your arm out of a moving car to feel the wind). Our children are always watching...

Handkerchief: A trivial matter ... not.

My son was sniffling as I drove him to school early this morning.

"Get a hanky from my bag," I told him.
"Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"
"Cos I have 3 babies." I answered matter-of-factly.

I regretted my answer the moment it left my lips.

"Why?" you asked. It's a fact that I have 3 kids. Was my answer wrong?

True, 3 kids need more wiping than 1. False, 3 hankies not because I've 3 kids, it's just the max I can stuff into my bag. My answer is not wrong but I think my perception is.

"What has perception got to do with how many hankies one has in the bag?" you asked again.

Nothing. But perception has got plenty to do with the kind of answers we have for our kids' questions, even a simple/trivial question like "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"

In a previous post, I mentioned that I attended a series of talks on Confucious teachings, Dizigui (Standards for Being a Good Student and Child). In one of them, the speaker talked about why kids had bad tempers, bad manners, lazy and selfish. I'll only elaborate on the first case cos of its relevance in this post.

The speaker said that nowadays, parents 'serve' their kids too much. We are like servants to our kids. We cater to their wimps and fancies. Don't believe me? For instance, do we :-

• give our kids food first during mealtimes together or do they give us first?
• buy them Happy Meals cos they want the toys?
• have everything in order that they don't have to lift a finger around the house?
• have the aircon throughout the night while they sleep?

Most parents would answer yes to most of these questions. In other words, we treat them like kings and queens. As a result of the excellent service they've been getting, they have not learn to accept anything less. Drop in service quality can be quickly fixed by a tantrum aka bad temper.

I think this all boils down to our perception of our children. Having less children has become a trend. Two has become a norm. 3 is many. 4 and people's eyes get as big as saucers. Having less children means that each child gets more attention; more money spent on him/her; more of our hopes on his/her tiny shoulders. Each child is perceived as more "valuable" cos one child is 50% of your brood if you have two children, while one is only 10% of your brood if you have ten. Get what I mean?

Coming back to my "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?" question. I gave my child an answer. The impression that my son got was, "We are the reason." That makes him think that they're the center of my universe, my kings and queen for whom I serve. Nobody would want their children to think that but that is exactly the message we convey when we say :-

• Mommy/Daddy comes back early from work cos it's your birthday today.
• What do you want to eat today?
• Your bag is heavy, let mommy/daddy carry it for you.
• You're Mommy/Daddy's best little boy/girl.

By giving our children as reasons for the things we do, we inadvertantly make them our kings and queens. They ARE the reasons but we don't have to... or rather, we cannot tell them that. Instead we should say:-

• Mommy/Daddy worked fast today and finished early. Now that I'm back, let's celebrate your birthday.
• Will you help mommy/daddy prepare the food/choose the dishes today?
• We have to find ways to lighten your bag so that you can carry it.
• I love you. (and plenty of hugs and kisses)

I'm not a saint, I'm guilty of giving out the wrong messages too. I also think that it's not too late to change. Most importantly we must assure our kids that our love is unconditional, ie "just cos mommy/daddy doesn't buy you Happy Meals doesn't mean that mommy/daddy doesn't love you".