Overheard: A school principal's words of honesty to a parent

I went to Yan's school around noon today. Her teacher, Miss Lee, went into the school office with me to look for the school principal, let's call her Mrs LSK, to certify a document. We found her talking to the mother of a student. From their conversation, I gathered that the student was a problematic daughter to the mother. What I heard went something like this:- Mrs LSK: When your children behave badly, you have to look into yourself. [Pause] Do you understand my point? When your child becomes bad, when your husband becomes bad, you have to examine your past actions. What you have done that may lead to the current events? The mother was quiet. I couldn't see her face from where I stood. Mrs LSK was clearly frustrated, both from the look on her face as well as the tone of her voice. Her message did not seem to be getting through to the mother. After a while, Mrs LSK continued: I don't have anymore time to talk to you. You can go home now. The mother: Ok, I will write a letter to you. Mrs LSK: Don't write a letter to me. You have to think about what I just said. The mother stood at the door, her body was half turned towards, Mrs LSK. She said: I've already done a lot for her. Her brother asked to [take lessons in something, I can't remember]. I denied him so that she can [have something, I can't remember this either]. Mrs LSK: You don't have to complain about your daughter. You just have to reflect in yourself, your past. Mrs LSK was waving her out the door at this point. Grudgingly, the mother left still not convinced by what Mrs LSK had said about self reflection. Mrs LSK has never minced her words and she certainly hadn't when she told that mother what she (the mother) clearly couldn't accept. Miss Lee and me just stood quietly looking at each other, not daring to interrupt or say anything. Mrs LSK, forehead knotted, quickly signed the papers thrusted to her by Miss Lee and left. Thankfully, I got my stuff back from Miss Lee and left. This whole episode has been a lesson to me. I agree with Mrs LSK. Children are like blank pieces of canvas. Parents are the artists trying to paint as best as they can and hope that masterpieces are produced. However good or bad the paintings turned out to be, the artists are responsible. One uncontrollable factor is the quality of the canvas though this can be counteracted by adjusting the tools and media used to colour it ie methods of dealing with every day battles and shaping long term bahaviour of the children. As I drove home, I reflected on my past actions in shaping how my children turned out to be. I could see how my actions had produced the behaviours that I found difficult in my children. 1)Heng's temper flares are modelled after my own when I found the children's behaviours/ antics too much to bear. 2)Jien's stubborness and defiance are a result of my being too lenient on him to the point of him getting what he wants too often. My leniency is, I suspect, due to his 'physical weakness' (eg 'weaker' lungs, smaller stature, mild scoliosis) which, I believe, resulted from the fact that he had been conceived when I was at my weakest (reproductive-health-wise). 3)Yan's defiance (though not as strong as Jien) is due to my letting her do things her way (not the same as Jien's 'getting what he wants too often') which was my way of avoiding overwork as the family grew. On a positive view, Yan's defiance can be seen as 'independence'(?). 4)Li is on the way to growing up spoilt as the baby of the family. Am I going to sit around feeling hopeless and sorry for myself? Definitely not. As an artist (parent), I'm going to continue my research and experiment into different types of brushes and paints (parenting methods) with the hope of doing away the weaknesses in my masterpieces.

Heartbroken (the sequel): Leftover lunch

The day after Heartbroken (Part 2), I bought chicken rice for the kids. 2 packets for Heng (he requested for it) and one each for Jien and Yan (my bad here, I should've made them share one packet). You guessed it, they couldn't finish all the food.

I was not as heartbroken as the day before. I just felt that I have to be consistent in dealing with unfinished food so I wrote their names on the boxes and saved them for dinner.

When dinnertime arrived, I told them to finish the chicken rice before we go out for food. As incentive, I told them we'd go to McDonald's. Some may say I was too lenient to reward them with McD for doing what they should have done. However, I didn't want to stress myself out dealing with their protests if I hadn't sweetened the deal.

Jien needed to be hurried, so I imposed a time limit. With some warning and threatening, he managed to finish it in the nick of time. Off to McD we go. As expected, Yan was too full after her chicken rice to eat anything else. Heng ordered less than usual. Only Jien was on his usual amount because his leftover chicken was just a few spoonfuls (even that took so much warnings and threats!).

We had to takeaway for Hubby because he had a war to fight. That, my dear reader, is another 'heartbreaking' story for another day :(

Heartbroken (Part 2): What I did with the leftover food

After what happened in the previous post, Hearbroken, I was determined that the kids be taught a lesson about eating whatever I have prepared for them. 

The day after Heartbroken, I cut the leftover chicken meat into small pieces and included them in my fried rice. I packed in the containers along with packets of Milo. I told myself that they are only allowed to have it if they finish the rice. 

After picking up all four of them from school, I drove directly to the library. Having lunch out of the car in the library parking lot has become part of a library visit.

I was relieved that the previous day's tension did not arise. They promptly finished their food without much fuss. Maybe my scolding the night before was still fresh on their mind. The rest of the day was pleasant enough :)

However, I have to admit that my actions did not reflect the determination I mentioned in the beginning of this post. I didn't include the duck meat and chicken feet in fried rice. The vege and baked beans were kept to complete another meal for me because they didn't go with fried rice. The chicken that they were supposed to finish were disguised as fried rice. 

Still I believe there will be plenty of chances for me to put my determination into actions. I just hope that my determination holds up in the face of the resistance that will arise. 

Drive time: Make full use of it

No, I'm not talking about sending that urgent email, having that wake-up coffee, eating a hurried two-bite breakfast or touching up on that lipstick while driving. What I'm talking about is imparting value to our children. Yes, otherwise known as "lecturing" them. 

Before I elaborate on the lecturing part, let me tell you what's my drive time. As a full time mom, my first job description is fetching my kids home from school. I can subcontract cooking to my wallet but I can't leave them in school, can I? Tempting... but no. I fetch them home whenever I can (which is most of the time). As for what happens whenever I can't, I won't go into that now. That's not relevant here.

I actually enjoy driving my kids home. I can get out of the house, do less housework, and relax with the radio on. That's before they get in the car. Once they get in the car, the noise level is usually upped several notches. When I'm lucky, they'll be quiet and listen to the radio. When I'm luckier, a teachable moment presents itself. That's when I seize it!

What better time to lecture than when I have them all to myself? In the confined spaces of our car, I don't lose them the computer, the iPad, the iPhone and the books. They've got no choice but to listen. I let them ask questions. In fact, I welcome their questions. Questions mean they are interested, paying attention and most importantly, susceptible to the values I'd like them to have.

A perfect example of this happened when my eldest, Heng, a pre-teen, was in the car with me. As we passed a secondary school, a student zoomed out of the school on a motorbike.  

"Mom, that looks dangerous!" He said, referring to the way the student ride. The Moment! With a capital M! I seized it immediately!

Keeping an even tone of voice (to mask my excitement), I explained how some teenagers think they're all grown up and all knowing (they think can safely ride a bike in a dangerous way) and not heeding to elders' advice and opinion (to ride in a safe way). I told him that parents have been through more in their lives compared to their children, no matter what age. Such experiences enable them to see potential consequences that their children, with less life experiences, cannot. Therefore, it is best to listen to what parents have to say and digest it before dismissing them.

I think of this as vaccination against rebelliousness in his upcoming teenage years. Drive time fully made use of. Don't you agree?