Help! I lost my maid

The other day, I was approached by a friend. 'Please give me your professional opinion,' she said. Naturally, I was flattered. Her husband had an audit firm, why would she ask me for my opinion, which is clearly outdated, when she had a practising professional at home? As I sat down, I was about to tease, 'One has to pay for professional advice'. However, her next words brought me back down on earth, 'How do you manage such a big family without a maid?' It was clear to me now that my current 'profession' is a do-it-yourself fulltime mother! I find the term 'housewife' a bit deragatory, completely outdated and totally inappropriate. Whenever someone say that I'm a housewife, I would counter by saying, 'My husband is not a house!' but I digress. Back to my friend. Let's call her Flower. It turned out that Flower's maid had just ran away and she was thinking of not spending thousands of ringgit on another maid. My immediate response was, 'No need to have a maid! Your children are already quite big [Flower has 3 children aged 8 to 13]. You'd be surprised by their independence and capability when they live without a maid.' Flower went on to ask me how I manage the housework. I told her of my CAOF strategy (see http://silverysword.blogspot.com/2007/12/caof-time-management-strategy-for-over.html). She listened with much interests. I had the impression that she found ignoring any kind of housework as close to being sinful. It turned out she was quite a perfectionist when it came to cleanliness. She scrubbed her floor mats and pre-treated and soaked her children's school uniform. Her eyes grew when I told her that:- A) It had been more than one-and-a-half years since I washed my sliding door grille., B) I do not vacuum or mop the floor everyday, C) I would not hesitate to leave a sinkful of dirty dishes overnight if I was too tired to wash it, D) I converted my wet kitchen into an indoor drying yard and the supposedly dry kitchen is now my only kitchen so that 'sunning' of my laundry didn't have to be dictated by the weather, E) I used a robot vacuum, etc. As I told her about my 'practices' above, questions immediately followed each:- A) Wouldn't it get very dirty/dusty? B) Wouldn't the floor get very sticky? C) [Laughs] D) Don't you need to sun your clothes? E) A friend said that it does not vacuuming thoroughly. To these doubts, I said:- A) The dust is on the outside of the house where I don't spend my time. B) Use wet rag to wipe where my children dropped food or spill drinks. Try to mop at least one a week. C) My wellbeing is more important than leaving dishes unwashed for a day. D) I have not sun my clothes since the year 2000 when I moved into an apartment. E) As long as the high traffic area get cleaned I can live with dust in hard-to-reach corners and under furniture. 'I don't care if people call me lazy. I do what I can and what is important.' I declared. 'In the end it is all about setting your expectations.' She seemed convinced to giving a different set of expectations a try.

Overheard: A school principal's words of honesty to a parent

I went to Yan's school around noon today. Her teacher, Miss Lee, went into the school office with me to look for the school principal, let's call her Mrs LSK, to certify a document. We found her talking to the mother of a student. From their conversation, I gathered that the student was a problematic daughter to the mother. What I heard went something like this:- Mrs LSK: When your children behave badly, you have to look into yourself. [Pause] Do you understand my point? When your child becomes bad, when your husband becomes bad, you have to examine your past actions. What you have done that may lead to the current events? The mother was quiet. I couldn't see her face from where I stood. Mrs LSK was clearly frustrated, both from the look on her face as well as the tone of her voice. Her message did not seem to be getting through to the mother. After a while, Mrs LSK continued: I don't have anymore time to talk to you. You can go home now. The mother: Ok, I will write a letter to you. Mrs LSK: Don't write a letter to me. You have to think about what I just said. The mother stood at the door, her body was half turned towards, Mrs LSK. She said: I've already done a lot for her. Her brother asked to [take lessons in something, I can't remember]. I denied him so that she can [have something, I can't remember this either]. Mrs LSK: You don't have to complain about your daughter. You just have to reflect in yourself, your past. Mrs LSK was waving her out the door at this point. Grudgingly, the mother left still not convinced by what Mrs LSK had said about self reflection. Mrs LSK has never minced her words and she certainly hadn't when she told that mother what she (the mother) clearly couldn't accept. Miss Lee and me just stood quietly looking at each other, not daring to interrupt or say anything. Mrs LSK, forehead knotted, quickly signed the papers thrusted to her by Miss Lee and left. Thankfully, I got my stuff back from Miss Lee and left. This whole episode has been a lesson to me. I agree with Mrs LSK. Children are like blank pieces of canvas. Parents are the artists trying to paint as best as they can and hope that masterpieces are produced. However good or bad the paintings turned out to be, the artists are responsible. One uncontrollable factor is the quality of the canvas though this can be counteracted by adjusting the tools and media used to colour it ie methods of dealing with every day battles and shaping long term bahaviour of the children. As I drove home, I reflected on my past actions in shaping how my children turned out to be. I could see how my actions had produced the behaviours that I found difficult in my children. 1)Heng's temper flares are modelled after my own when I found the children's behaviours/ antics too much to bear. 2)Jien's stubborness and defiance are a result of my being too lenient on him to the point of him getting what he wants too often. My leniency is, I suspect, due to his 'physical weakness' (eg 'weaker' lungs, smaller stature, mild scoliosis) which, I believe, resulted from the fact that he had been conceived when I was at my weakest (reproductive-health-wise). 3)Yan's defiance (though not as strong as Jien) is due to my letting her do things her way (not the same as Jien's 'getting what he wants too often') which was my way of avoiding overwork as the family grew. On a positive view, Yan's defiance can be seen as 'independence'(?). 4)Li is on the way to growing up spoilt as the baby of the family. Am I going to sit around feeling hopeless and sorry for myself? Definitely not. As an artist (parent), I'm going to continue my research and experiment into different types of brushes and paints (parenting methods) with the hope of doing away the weaknesses in my masterpieces.

Heartbroken (the sequel): Leftover lunch

The day after Heartbroken (Part 2), I bought chicken rice for the kids. 2 packets for Heng (he requested for it) and one each for Jien and Yan (my bad here, I should've made them share one packet). You guessed it, they couldn't finish all the food.

I was not as heartbroken as the day before. I just felt that I have to be consistent in dealing with unfinished food so I wrote their names on the boxes and saved them for dinner.

When dinnertime arrived, I told them to finish the chicken rice before we go out for food. As incentive, I told them we'd go to McDonald's. Some may say I was too lenient to reward them with McD for doing what they should have done. However, I didn't want to stress myself out dealing with their protests if I hadn't sweetened the deal.

Jien needed to be hurried, so I imposed a time limit. With some warning and threatening, he managed to finish it in the nick of time. Off to McD we go. As expected, Yan was too full after her chicken rice to eat anything else. Heng ordered less than usual. Only Jien was on his usual amount because his leftover chicken was just a few spoonfuls (even that took so much warnings and threats!).

We had to takeaway for Hubby because he had a war to fight. That, my dear reader, is another 'heartbreaking' story for another day :(

Heartbroken (Part 2): What I did with the leftover food

After what happened in the previous post, Hearbroken, I was determined that the kids be taught a lesson about eating whatever I have prepared for them. 

The day after Heartbroken, I cut the leftover chicken meat into small pieces and included them in my fried rice. I packed in the containers along with packets of Milo. I told myself that they are only allowed to have it if they finish the rice. 

After picking up all four of them from school, I drove directly to the library. Having lunch out of the car in the library parking lot has become part of a library visit.

I was relieved that the previous day's tension did not arise. They promptly finished their food without much fuss. Maybe my scolding the night before was still fresh on their mind. The rest of the day was pleasant enough :)

However, I have to admit that my actions did not reflect the determination I mentioned in the beginning of this post. I didn't include the duck meat and chicken feet in fried rice. The vege and baked beans were kept to complete another meal for me because they didn't go with fried rice. The chicken that they were supposed to finish were disguised as fried rice. 

Still I believe there will be plenty of chances for me to put my determination into actions. I just hope that my determination holds up in the face of the resistance that will arise. 

Heartbroken: Dinner untouched by kids

A few days ago, I bought some meat dishes from an economical rice stall. A few pieces of roast duck and a crab meat balls in baked beans that Hubby I think he would like. Soy sauce chicken for the kids. Stewed chicken feet with mushroom that my father-in-law would like. It costed RM20, less than I expected. I was feeling quite pleased with this cheap meal. All I have to do is stir fry a vege dish and cook some rice. Easy ... Or so I thought.

Preparation was easy. The cleaning up was heartbreaking :( Hubby liked the duck and baked beans; FIL liked the chicken feet and duck. No problem there. 

Problem was with the kids. Yan ate some but didn't show a good appetite at all. Jien downed a packet of Milo in lieu of solid food for dinner. Heng refused to touch the food too, opting instead to fry rice. He fried it himself because I refused to indulge him. He burnt the chopped shallot and garlic resulting in fried rice with plenty of black dots!

As I pack up the uneaten food into the fridge, I scolded them. Less on Yan ( at least she ate some). Mostly on Jien and Heng. I fumed about the effort I put in the choose the food they like, the time to drive to the food stall, the money I saved. All of it gone unappreciated.

"Serves you right for burning your food!" I scolded at Heng. "Got food but don't want to eat! You wanted money for your school trip, I gave you! And you waste my effort and food." Heng was half crying as he picked the burnt pieces from his rice.

"That's the last time I buy Milo! Drinking it as dinner!" I scolded Jien. "You wanted Mamee, I bought Mamee! You wanted to eat the junk food you brought back from school party, I let you! You wanted me to make muffins for school party, I made for you! And you don't even touch the food I prepared!" Jien disappeared upstairs didn't seem to take heed :(

I was going on like that as I put the food in box before popping them in the fridge. "Don't expect me to pay for new food until you finish these!" I scolded from the kitchen. I was almost crying as I feel so unappreciated! What spoilt brats my kids have turned put to be!

Luckily, Heng left a note on my bed to apologize and promised "not to be picky from tomorrow onward". " At least, he feels bad and apologize. Jien went upstairs and didn't listen at all," Hubby observed. 

"I sent him upstairs," I corrected Hubby but I also knew that he was right about the second part. Jien seemed unmoved by my scolding :( What shall I do with him? Sigh!