Handkerchief: A trivial matter ... not.

My son was sniffling as I drove him to school early this morning.

"Get a hanky from my bag," I told him.
"Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"
"Cos I have 3 babies." I answered matter-of-factly.

I regretted my answer the moment it left my lips.

"Why?" you asked. It's a fact that I have 3 kids. Was my answer wrong?

True, 3 kids need more wiping than 1. False, 3 hankies not because I've 3 kids, it's just the max I can stuff into my bag. My answer is not wrong but I think my perception is.

"What has perception got to do with how many hankies one has in the bag?" you asked again.

Nothing. But perception has got plenty to do with the kind of answers we have for our kids' questions, even a simple/trivial question like "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?"

In a previous post, I mentioned that I attended a series of talks on Confucious teachings, Dizigui (Standards for Being a Good Student and Child). In one of them, the speaker talked about why kids had bad tempers, bad manners, lazy and selfish. I'll only elaborate on the first case cos of its relevance in this post.

The speaker said that nowadays, parents 'serve' their kids too much. We are like servants to our kids. We cater to their wimps and fancies. Don't believe me? For instance, do we :-

• give our kids food first during mealtimes together or do they give us first?
• buy them Happy Meals cos they want the toys?
• have everything in order that they don't have to lift a finger around the house?
• have the aircon throughout the night while they sleep?

Most parents would answer yes to most of these questions. In other words, we treat them like kings and queens. As a result of the excellent service they've been getting, they have not learn to accept anything less. Drop in service quality can be quickly fixed by a tantrum aka bad temper.

I think this all boils down to our perception of our children. Having less children has become a trend. Two has become a norm. 3 is many. 4 and people's eyes get as big as saucers. Having less children means that each child gets more attention; more money spent on him/her; more of our hopes on his/her tiny shoulders. Each child is perceived as more "valuable" cos one child is 50% of your brood if you have two children, while one is only 10% of your brood if you have ten. Get what I mean?

Coming back to my "Why are there 3 hankies in your bag?" question. I gave my child an answer. The impression that my son got was, "We are the reason." That makes him think that they're the center of my universe, my kings and queen for whom I serve. Nobody would want their children to think that but that is exactly the message we convey when we say :-

• Mommy/Daddy comes back early from work cos it's your birthday today.
• What do you want to eat today?
• Your bag is heavy, let mommy/daddy carry it for you.
• You're Mommy/Daddy's best little boy/girl.

By giving our children as reasons for the things we do, we inadvertantly make them our kings and queens. They ARE the reasons but we don't have to... or rather, we cannot tell them that. Instead we should say:-

• Mommy/Daddy worked fast today and finished early. Now that I'm back, let's celebrate your birthday.
• Will you help mommy/daddy prepare the food/choose the dishes today?
• We have to find ways to lighten your bag so that you can carry it.
• I love you. (and plenty of hugs and kisses)

I'm not a saint, I'm guilty of giving out the wrong messages too. I also think that it's not too late to change. Most importantly we must assure our kids that our love is unconditional, ie "just cos mommy/daddy doesn't buy you Happy Meals doesn't mean that mommy/daddy doesn't love you".

Care : A give and take situation

I first came across the term "caregiver" in a parenting course. In that context, a caregiver was a person who take care of children. This person may be a parent or a babysitter.

The mantra was "Take care of the caregiver". It was foreign to me at first since I had always put my children's welfare before mine. As a result of this, I had endured much discomfort in my term as a stay-at-home mom.

An extreme that comes to mind is what happened a month after my little girl was born. Hubby was working late and weekends due to closing of the financial year end. During dinner, I fed 4 mouths at the same time! I ensured that my boys (4+ and 2+) eat enough by feeding them myself. In between spoonfuls into their mouths were spoonfuls into my own. The fourth mouth was hanging on to my breast! Those 10 days were terrible (but worth it in the end as hubby's hardwork earned him a recognition award in the form of a trip to The Andaman, Langkawi).

Before the parenting course, I was constantly stressed as the relentless demand of 3 small children took its toll on me. As a result, I didn't think I was giving my children the best I could give. "Take care of the caregiver" really gave me the perspective I needed. What I thought was selfish turned out to be beneficial them. Previously, I made sure they had their meal before I start mine (I usually ended up devouring their leftovers). Now I eat when I'm hungry before I turn my attention to them. After all, I can't take care of them very well if I'm constantly suffering from gastric pain.

I don't feel guilty anymore. Frequent flyers would most likely be familiar with one of the emergency procedures on an airplane: Put the breathing masks on ourselves first before attending to those under our care. It makes perfect sense. If the caregiver is not in good health, how can he/she continue to give care to others?

The most important way for me in taking care of myself is de-stressing. Nowadays, I de-stress in the shower (this will have to do if one can't afford a luxury spa treatment everyday!), running, gardening, ironing (as long as the kids stay away from me. Hehe!) and of course, blogging!

Lightspeed: the sequel.

I can't believe it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. A lot has changed for me since Boxing Day. For good or bad... I don't know but I prefer to look at the bright side.

Before I continue, I'd like to thank Jo-N and Suzette for visiting despite my lack of posts in the weeks before Xmas. [A deep bow and thank you for both of you]

Changes:-

• Translation - I've stopped. Hubby didn't approve of my staying up late to catch up on the work to meet the deadlines. The work is not as leisurely as I thought. I managed to do a few shows in December cos it was the holidays. They offered me the position of Editor. Hubby and I even travelled to the other side of town (and got lost along the way!) to meet the owner of the company. Although I can work out of home, the offer was not very attractive financially compared to my opportunity costs. Now that my eldest has started Primary One, the opportunity costs are too high, I don't want to afford it.
• New year - Hubby and I are very practical minded people (probably that's why we're accountants by training!). To him, it's just another date on the calendar. For people dealing the financial side of companies, it most likely signifies closure of the old financial year aka more work. Not much fun, that. Also with 3 small kids in tow, we can't join in the countdowns anywhere except in our living room in front of the TV. Not much fun, too.
• First day of school - This means more to my family than the first day of the year. Reason: my work starts. With Heng in the morning session of school, I have to wake up at 5.30am! (This is also why translation doesn't fit in as I usually worked on that until 2 am.) It is a full day with breaks in late morning (when the boys are in school) and afternoon (when all 3 kids take their naps). Bedtime is around 10pm if I were to have enough shut eye before the alarm rings. It's a full time job.
• New phone - I'm really grateful to my hubby for this one. My Nokia "Butterfly" is close to 5 years old. Casing was damaged but since I'm used to it and all my contacts inside, I don't see the point of keeping up with the trend. It was functioning until some hiccups lately. So, hubby took the chance to upgrade it to a Nokia 6300. I fell in love with it at first sight. It was what hubby had in mind as well though he didn't tell me at the time. It's sleek and fits nicely into my palm. Kids love the new games, too.

When things settle down, I'll have for time for blogging :)